I’ve been on the brink
of losing you today. It’s refreshing to think
that I can be.
The last time, this feeling
hit me fast – I couldn’t see it coming.
It burned me,
seared through my link
to all the world’s glory,
the beauty of it all withered. My story
without her in it.
And so I watched my reality split
asunder today, contort
as then, into momento mori.
I had a severe case of pet worries today. My beautiful and loving Norwegian Elkhound, Einar, is getting old in body, but never in mind or heart. He bounces like a puppy every time you see him, but it’s worse and worse for him. He has a slipped disc in his back which gets inflamed so bad he can barely walk or even move; he has his head down so far his nose practically scratches the ground when it acts up. With the right meds, he’s back to his old self within days (although we have to keep him as sedentary as possible for at least two weeks, which is next to impossible if you’ve ever dealt with a puppy-hearted dog before), but the vets won’t let my parents keep the meds stocked at the house for when it acts up. It’s basically a run to the vet every time there’s a back problem, and with it getting more and more prevalent, it’s not fair to have him in pain when we already know what’s wrong and what he needs. With it getting worse, and the weather not helping matters, and with his age, I basically got the, “We need to discuss the details of if and when we make the decision to put him down,” message today.
My last dog, my namesake girl, Rana, went in a day. The night before, she was a little lethargic, but I didn’t think anything of it. The next day, she was whining and couldn’t stand up. It happened in the blink of an eye, and I lost my best friend. Einar is a wonderful dog, and if any dog could compare to Rana, it would be him. They’re not the same by any means, but they both have their magnificent qualities and quirks. I have three things that are unquestionably important in my life: My fiance, my dog, and my Nana. To lose any of them is to get a stab in the heart. But at least with Einar, I will have some time for a goodbye, have some time to cry it out before I really need to. So I’m a little broken today, and I’ll break a little more day by day until I get that call from home. But the fracturing is slow, sure, and gentle, not like the abrupt shatter Rana had to leave me with. For that, I’m thankful.