Hiabun: What I need…

…is to be happy again. Release the furrow of my brow, permanently relax my forehead, and smile. Remember how wonderful the feeling is to be right where I’m supposed to be. I need to stop imagining and actually learn to dance. Waltz my way through life, clicking my feet to the ever-rhythm of the world. I need to take a walk with my soul, talk about what the idea of heaven means to us. Is it a destination or a path? But of course, it is worth the miles to learn who I am inside! I need to stare for hours into the mirror until I stop looking like a caricature and finally look like myself again. Pierce through the surface illusion of flesh and fat and realize that this is me, and so is the bitch staring back. I need to feel every inch of me and know where it all sits in the cosmos. Remind myself that I’m an ant, but even one ant can convince a colony to move a mountain. I need to know what it is to be content with myself. Accepting yet unyielding, steady yet on a winding path, grounded yet floating on air: these things are me, and there is a way for me to believe that.

balance

be rolling current

curling around what matters

over what does not

overflow what can’t contain

settle in  the filled places

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little personal rant hiabun… at least I think that’s what it is. I find that there are a few different cycles that revolve within myself throughout the months and years. I have a self-esteem cycle which apparently decided to take a dive today, so this is where it brought me. The interesting thing is, I’m sort of okay with it. I’m not happy at this very moment. I’m off balance with work and my personal budget, which will likely not change anytime soon. I’m less than confident in my physical situation, yet for some reason my conscious realization that I need to find time to exercise is not motivation enough to actually get off my ass and do it (and neither is the fact that I have a freakin’ wedding coming up and want to look my best). These moments allow me to see the worst of myself, and it’s hard. It’s painful at times. It’s depressing. But you know what else? It means I have nowhere to go but up. It gives me the chance to, at least for a moment, come to terms with these flaws that I have. These moments give me a very difficult clarity, and at least for a little while, I can overcome these faults of mine and find the best of myself to combat the worst. So yeah, I’m at a low point while I sit here at type to you all. But tomorrow morning I get to wake up and teach myself how to smile again. I will hug myself, pretend like it’s my loving fiance’s arms around me, and it will feel like the first time. I’m going to let the inside of my car turn into Middle Earth on my way to work, and belt my heart out to the Lonely Mountain. Tomorrow I get to be happier than I am today…

“…and that is an encouraging thought.”

                             ~Gandalf the Grey

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